its been four days and he still hasnt answered
at first i felt lonely inside the excitement meant for two
but soon came to reckon:
this excitement too shall pass.
i recall eartha kitt’s hysterical laugh while saying
“compromise for what?”
in an interview answering
if she’d ever compromise for a man
and count the many times i did not laugh.
not this time.
this time
i’m sucked in by counting grasshoppers
as i lay at sunset on the meadow
outside of mama’s kitchen.
this time
i’d rather say yes to tango with the wind.
no one will marry me
the same as the cloudy sky before a storm
or the rows of lavender in early june.
in steep distance i bow.
pleasure
a word overused in my world for a good reason: most women never have enough. enough is a bit vague, but lets be real… you know exactly what im talking about.
a couple years ago when i was diagnosed with anorexia i figured i have much to learn about simple pleasures. the only place i have come to know is rather a state of obsession. doing a little bit of something has never been my style. i go hardcore at taking advantage of what feels nearly ecstatic.
yes, my name is dóri and i’m an addict. but in this century… arent we all?
we dont even notice and under the veil of almost anything money and love related we surrender to hidden compulsions and call them the-stuff-we-need-to-be-doing. we dont notice and in order to avoid the anx that comes as a side effect of that stuff, we use whatever we must in order to… take our power back? from the grind. from the way we think we need to be in relationship with… you name it.
what not-small-thing are you addicted to?
in the past couple months, mine has been chocolate. at first it seemed like a simple pleasure, but this brown-romance has taken me through many twists, turns, mountains and hills. slowly over the weeks, this sweet innocent act has built a visible stamp around my waist, in the form of rolls i cannot un-feel.
at all times questioning whatever i get hooked on, i came up on this ted talk with june jo lee, food ethnographer, where she explained that the foods we eat and love can reveal a lot about our desires. this made me think… what am i feeding with my sweet treat?
~* an unmet need for affection and belonging
~* the accepting embrace of relationship where one feels known by the other
~* letting one’s guard down, opening to…
~* recreating the high only a newly discovered romance can bring
yes, i’ve been moving through that life phase again… i’ve been single for nearly a year. being a single mom at 39, divorced twice, and still feeling like im just figuring out what the hell i want my romantic life to look like… the day to days can get quite consuming and well, i hate to say it, but… lonely as fuck.
its not that i do not yearn to be met and caressed by a man in my depths, but that i’ve yet to stumble upon a man who can intellectually satisfy me– an independent man who i don’t have to “put up with,” take care of… you know the drill. and at this point of my life, after a series of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, i am not willing to compromise.
i have often felt more lonely inside relationships than when im single– i am no longer willing to compromise… and inside of this strong conviction, healing from anorexia, im learning to listen to my body’s subtle sensations, showing me the way to keep coming home to relating with pleasures which feel safe to envelop my life.
__
early this year my friend marchelle forwarded me a reel on ig, along with the message that said “i love her” which really meant you would love her. the video showed a small tin box with pieces of nuts and chocolate in it and this is what the voiceover said:
a palm to measure protein
not grams, not percentage–
a palm.
YOUR palm
is your protein portion.
some days you need one palm,
some days half,
and some days two.
so take your palm now,
look at it
and ask your body
before asking numbers.
followed by the caption:
every palm is unique. and so are our needs.
in this audio episode
”controlled pleasure” as its own kind of freedom, the snack tin as unlabeled meditation, farmer’s markets as a way back into your body, hunger vs. craving vs. what your body is actually asking for and why “erotic aliveness” might just mean noticing :::: with anastasia aka snack tin queen– the woman and yoga teacher behind the viral tin ritual.
listen here on substack or on apple podcasts / acast.
follow anastasia’s tins on ig
OH AND ::: our women-only writing collective *bodytext* already opened its waitlist for EDITION2 of this year (sept-dec) get on it here (peep there more info too)
✦ ݁ blood of aurora is a bi-weekly audio series hosted by hungarian artist dóri varga, featuring raw conversations with women from the creative field on sex, motherhood, creativity, relationship and transformation. the same themes are explored inside our bi-annual, multi-month writers collective called bodytext.✦ ݁˖
writing/prompts
1. when it comes to your sense of aliveness what is one thing you are unwilling to compromise in this phase of your life?
2. make a list of the simple pleasures in your day to days. list at least 20. emphasis on simple.
3. try the tin box ritual for 5 days, then come back to your journal to reflect on the experience. detail the way you are relating with the process of creating it and also the experience of consuming it. what does it add to your life? what shifts from this little ritual?
4. controlled pleasure ::: use this as a prompt. set your phone to alarm you in 8 mins. write in any style you please.
5. what are some habits you indulge in daily because you have needs that arent being met? list at least 5 not-small-thing you are addicted to.
6. watch The Taste of Things, sleep on it, then the next morning reflect in your journal
writing has saved my life and i’ve become a little obsessed with it. a journal can be the safest, most private space to express what we otherwise cannot. so every thursday when i post i share prompts— mostly for writing, but sometimes also activity ideas that bring you back into your body and a sensual kind of noticing. i’d love to hear how the prompts land for you. leave a comment or reply to this email anytime. i read everything.
